I’m writing this post because I’m still here, on the waiting side of things. I’m still struggling with unanswered questions. I’m still holding out hope that things will happen sooner than later. I’m writing this post because one day, I might be on the other side. The side where things seem to have gone correctly and we ended up with a family after all. I’m writing this now because it’s the time I can actually say this stuff when it matters most – to anyone who is dealing with waiting, confusion, hope that’s lost it’s way – to anyone that thinks that life is unfair at best – to my future self that might need reminding.
God is here and God is good. All that He desires for us and all that He desires to accomplish through us is good. This journey of trust in Him was a lot more than I ever thought I was getting into, and is stretching me more than I want to be stretched. I want to give up, I want to pity myself, I want a break. I want to be mad at someone, something, anything. I need to cry more… why do my emotions catch up with me so late, and then hit so hard sometimes?
This passage in Romans on adoption, given our circumstances, has made me pause. I find myself reading it over and over, we’re not there yet, not to adoption, but this is how I feel as I wait.
“For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. For the creation waits with eager longing for the revealing of the sons of God. For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of him who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be set free from its bondage to corruption and obtain the freedom of the glory of the children of God. For we know that the whole creation has been groaning together in the pains of childbirth until now. And not only the creation, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience.”
There is something more I’m waiting for – something bigger than that hole in my heart for a child, or to be a mother. I’m waiting for eternity, for my adoption, to be named and to be home. I am reminded that my heart is not set on the fulfillment this lifetime can offer, I still won’t be whole, happy, satisfied with a husband, children, a home on the countryside - you name it. I am waiting for something my God has already given me, something I take comfort in now and long for in the future. I have already been given what is good, right and perfect and I could not ask for more.
My life can be wasted in the waiting, I’m learning that, or it can be a testament to the life I’ve already been given.
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News for the month: our agency has assured us that, while the wait time is still lengthening for the Ethiopia program, we will be getting a phone call for a referral by March or April of 2013. I know we’ve been in this boat before, where we wait up until the deadline and then things change – but our agency has never been so specific with dates (and even numbering the families that are before us!) so I trust that this time around, we have a finality to this whole process. I am excited, and yet still living in a time where every day seems like 100. Both Eddie and are having a hard time in this wait, that always seems to stretch longer than we could have ever imagined – and then stretch again. But there is a light. : )
Also, I’m posting these pictures cause I like them, they’re some of my favorites I’ve taken with my phone this past year… why I can’t take pretty pictures with my actual camera, I don’t know, maybe it’s just too big.
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